Conflict, Entitlement and Me

This last Sunday when Pastor Perry was talking about conflict I couldn't help but be reminded of a recent article I read in Group Magazine (vol. 33, no.5) that dealt with Entitlement in today's youth. The article itself covered a lot of ground really quickly and was packed with a lot of great resources, but I want to address the role Entitlement plays in Conflict.

Really, one of the main problems with our culture today, is the fact that we are raising kids with an "Entitlement Mentality". Pastor Perry shared how the size of our homes have grown in the last 50 years by more than 100%, while the size of families has shrunken. Consider the fact America is the richest country in the history of the world with a GDP of more than 13.22 TRILLION dollars. I don't even know how many zeros a trillion is, but I imagine it's a lot! You'd think that with more money people today would be happier, but we all know this isn't so.

In fact multiple studies have come to the same conclusion in recent years. At $12,000 a year a person’s estimation of their satisfaction in life pretty much flat lines. That means that most people are happier at $12,000 a year than they were at $10,000. BUT the same or less people are still at the same level of satisfaction at $20,000 than at $12,000. Just like Biggie said, "Mo' money, Mo' problems".

If I make more money, somehow I feel entitled to more things. I can't explain this completely but I'm sure there is a Psychological explanation, for now let's call it Greed. America, today, feels entitled to so much more than the rest of the world's people. Do Maasai tribesmen of Western Africa feel entitled to own a car? Probably not. Do they feel they've earned a new iPod? I doubt it. So what is it about our society that drives our entitlement?

Quite simply I believe it's our desire to avoid hardships. The low times make the highs all that much higher. Example 1: with the youth we participate in the 30 Hour Famine, for 30 hours we go without food. This hardship brings a greater appreciation for the things we do have. Therefore the student’s sense of Entitlement is lessened.

What's all this have to do with conflict? Why do we struggle against one another? Why do we bicker and fight amongst ourselves over things such as parking spaces or musical styles (especially worship music)? Why am I constantly coveting my neighbor's possessions? Is it because I'm entitled to those things? No, it's because I think I am.

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Jesus. (Matthew 6:28-34)

So, what are we really entitled to?

Pragmatic suggestions for dealing with conflict

Following are 10 ideas for dealing with, and avoiding, conflicts in your life:

1. The greatest enemy to healthy relationships lies within your own selfish desires. Jesus said, “It is not what is on the outside of person that defiles them, but what comes out of their evil desires.” – hate, envy, jealousy. Practice a Holy Spirit-empowered self-control of your emotions, desires and thoughts. You have the power to solve 80% of the problems behind quarreling. Only Jesus had perfect motives.

2. When you hurt another with offensive words seek reconciliation with a forgiving attitude. Jesus said, “First be reconciled to your brother before presenting your offering at the altar.” If we say that we love God without loving our brother or sister, we are a liar and the truth does not abide in us (1 John 4:20).

3. There is a difference between discussing issues objectively and taking issues so personally that we begin to assault another’s character. Incessant quarreling is a sign of carnality and immaturity. Paul writes, “You Corinthians are still infants in Christ… You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?” (I Cor. 3;2,3) It’s okay to let things go sometimes!

4. It is all right to disagree without being disagreeable in the process. By controlling one’s tone of voice, one is able to calmly discuss issues without becoming agitated, irritated or emotionally volatile. Some people have more tolerance for differences of opinions than others. Carefully gauge whether or not it would be beneficial to share a different opinion.

5. Be humble, realizing that no one except the Lord has all the facts. Do not presuppose the superiority of your own point of view. Take other people’s feelings into account, even though you may have more information at your disposal. Relationships are more important than intellectual jousting.

6. Ask the Lord for patience when dealing with people of a different viewpoint. Jesus patiently spoke truth to the Pharisees who loved to argue, debate and publicly dispute ideas. The Lord demonstrated great restraint with people who were intellectually astute but spiritual dead.

7. As far as it is possible, live at peace with all people (Romans 12:18). This may mean politely bowing out of a conversation before it is too late. Through the wise use of chosen words you will be able to live in harmony, unity and cooperation with a wide variety of people. Some whom you have disagreements with may end up being your greatest allies.

8. God allows for unity amidst great diversity of opinions, cultures and personalities. “The Lord created Christians in one body and one Spirit with one Lord, one faith, one baptism and one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” (Eph. 4:4-6) Learn to appreciate God’s ability to work through diverse people to accomplish His Kingdom purposes. You may not be able to understand how or why he made us the way we are, but His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts than our thoughts. (Isa. 55:8-9)

9. Warn others about quarreling over words as it is of no value and only ruins those who listen (2 Tim. 2:14). We ought to concentrate on the essentials of faith and our obedience to what God has clearly revealed, rather than arguing endlessly about non-essentials.

10. Do not have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. Instead, choose to be kind to all, able to teach, not resentful. Gently instruct people with the hope that God will grant them a change of mind leading to a knowledge of the truth. (2 Tim. 2:23-24)